The Real Winner of the TCSA Elections is You!

Howdy, folx! 

The benevolent pencil pushers at the TCSA would like to talk to you a little bit about the recent elections and confirm again, for the record, we are capable of reading our own by-laws. 

Despite what has been written about us by the eternally dense cretins running the very rag you are currently reading: we are an association made up of logical, reasonable people possessive of an immaculate and unwavering moral compass. 

As a result, we are pleased to announce that the real winner of the TCSA elections is none other than YOU!

Yes, you! 

You have won the prize of bearing witness to the most open, fair, and transparent election and referendum period that has ever happened in the history of Trent. Period. 

No election has ever had a higher turnout, ever. More people voted in this election than there are students at Trent and there’s nothing wrong or questionable about that statement. 

Not that we will be taking questions, of course, but if you wanted to ask questions of us we would just repeat the talking points above.

We’re so very proud of ourselves for having once again managed to forcefully guide the hand of the student body while taking no time to consult our membership or take the concerns of the wider Trent community into consideration on anything.

This is good governance in action, and to suggest otherwise is actually a slur and we will respond with a note on our website about it. Mark our words. 

We can’t begin to thank the students who opened the ballot, took a look, and decided not to participate in our charade as it is solely due to these unengaged souls that we were able to force through these measures to ensure that even fewer students’ voices need to be heard in the future. 

We should admit for the record that these measures make our jobs easier (we don’t want to talk to you) and it will also make yours easier too. Should you ever wish to say, defund a student group because you and your friends can’t read balance sheets, be our guests! We love that shit, but we would never say so publicly. 

No one reads this paper anyways, right?

We think you’ll agree with us that the less consultation occurs and the fewer people our decisions represent the better the democratic process overall. Look at the last election in Ontario and tell us you’re not happy with the result of having a Premier win 100% of the power after having less than 20% of eligible Ontarians vote for the party he leads!

Needless to say, we take great pride in emulating the politics of our esteemed Premier Ford who also doesn’t believe in access to education, healthcare, or standing up for unions. 

We were so bored this past year trying to follow what was happening with ATU 1320 that we didn’t even think to try and understand the difference between a legal strike position and the beginning of a strike. And you know we would have loved to bring in scabs for you guys as well!

But that’s another story altogether…

Anyways, congratulations on another year of being our hapless servants. We hope to one day not even have to have elections as ultimately the fairest way to run things, in our experience, is to never actually consult anyone and just do what we want anyways!

Remember, YOU are the winners here. We’ll take care of everything. Just relax, sit back, and take it. We know best.  

In solidarity…or whatever you socialist freaks say,

Your TCSA Executive

A Call for Uncivil War in Light of Civil Unrest at Arthur.

To the despotic Commandants of Arthur,

The integrity of your ignoble masthead is under siege! Following in the footsteps of Trent’s fringe Central Student Association (the group that hands out the pens), the leadership of Arthur have liberally interpreted their own by-laws in a concerted overreach of power. I denounce the attempts of these high-falutin Stalinist student-haters to decree themselves rulers for life and wield the devastating power of a small university’s student press to shitpost about local politics, ban all forms of dancing, and watch baseball on the clock.

I am well informed that this most devilish plot arose from the depths of Sebastian, Evan, and Abbigale’s respective devotion to the telos of international Marxism and its principles of chain-smoking and general lawlessness.

I have reason to suspect that this serpentine Soviet seized power by holding five successive secret elections, each at increasingly esoteric meeting locations to ensure that no-one but themselves attended (Where the hell is Champlain College North? What am I, a compass?). The command of the masthead secured in unanimous vote, they’ve already begun bringing about their twisted reality. I, however, will not stand to see Sadleir House turned into a monument to intellectual imperialism, complete with their visages inscribed on banners and statues—no, I will not kneel!

With this editorial decadence has come madness. Sources tell me the Editoriat have begun drafting plans to conscript frosh to patrol campus and the downtown area, hauling in anyone who does the crossword before reading any articles. They’ve refused to answer me as to what would happen to those brought into their custody, though I believe they have commandeered the Trend for use as a makeshift gulag. When pressed about the legality of such extra-institutional suspensions, Special Intelligence Officer Evangeline Romanov flew into a strangely autumn-coloured fury, declaring that she’d “carve [me] like a pumpkin” if I “[did not] stop submitting odd shit about how all the editors are fucking and/or secretly gay.”

In light of this reign of terror, I have begun to marshal resistance among the rank and file of the newspaper, determined our fallen editors before any real damage can be done. Calling ourselves the “Arthur Sovereign Sorority,” and with funding from pithy-slogganed t-shirts sold on the dark web, we’ve launched a campaign of guerilla warfare, which largely revolves around writing petitions and throwing the occasional fruit. 

With the felicity of Arthur under siege, and with tensions running high, I beseech our readers to take up pen and stone for the cause, defending one of Trent’s only formerly-good institutions. With despotism growing world wide and domestically, rally to the cause of liberty.

To you, reviled editors, I leave these words: the reckoning of your failed ideology is upon you. No longer shall we toil in the word mines on your watch.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS; SIC SEMPER ARTHUR

Lian Trentsky, Vanguard of the Coming Revolution