Dear Mr. Arthur,

First and foremost, how dare you! Do you hate us or something? How dare you spread disinformation and slander using empiricism, common knowledge, and statistics! Knowing that this publication is simply one trembling man in a scarf and wool pea-coat, I huff my chest at you, Mr. Arthur! You mock us with your She/They pronouns, Mr. Arthur. You should know better than to use facts and figures in your articles, editorials, and opinion pieces. The thought of it alone makes the most principled of men shiver. Your staff are mewling sheeple, a herds-worth of yes-men, all lemmings on the cliff-face that is the Trent/PTBO community. 

Fellating thyself with congratulatory praise, you spit upon the notion that a newspaper serves a sole executive function: to inflate the egos of the academy’s most important bastion of guardians. A stalwart guard of values and morals, it is absolutely uncouth to call us “bootlickers” and “liberals” in your story meetings, because we have feelings! We represent the best and brightest of our beloved institution, with our ever-evolving language and points-of-view to make our goal absolutely unhearable to that of the Administration, praise be unto them. Our bonfire protest-turned-destressor was of such success that it was almost too easy for Leo the Lubricous and his roundtable of petty crooks to ignore. But after all, Mr. Arthur, sir, “The Bash was never expected to convince administration to listen to students, or to even grab their attention.”

You misunderstand our goals, Mr. Arthur! We only want to have markets so that our Commissars’ entrepreneurial exploits flourish. True solidarity is only achieved through elaborate arts-and-crafts, sex bingos, bonfires, and pumpkin-fucking seminars, much to the chagrin of one “Evangeline Robins,” the likes of whom we are convinced is merely a pseudonym for Sebastian Johnston-Lindsay in a dress. 

That over-educated buffoon Johnston-Lindsay is the true mastermind behind Arthur’s most recent soiree into absolute ragdom. He has written over 300 articles in his tenure, monopolizing the voice of the newspaper with his “labour activism” and “municipal engagement.” He who dares to cavort alongside city councillors and call them friends? He who goes to and reports on protests and then tells on us for not being there? He, who asks questions of us when he already knows full well we won’t tell the truth! Besides, half the time he knows the answer anyways! Why waste our time? What greasy strings and corrupt connections did he pull on in order to sit down with The Right Honourable Her Excellency Mary Simon? These heinous acts of communist propagandizing reek of authoritarianism, which is clearly antithetical to your supposed standards, Mr. “Newspaper”. We’d even push our prior assertion further and go as far as to say that most of your writers are pseudonymous in nature. Johnston-Lindsay is simply playing the role of one James McAvoy in M. Night Shyamalan’s Split in the hopes of funneling 15 six-hour weekly income streams into his obviously overfilled graduate student bank account. Your champagne socialist endeavours end here and now, with this pointed letter! We have effectively exposed your whole Ass-Hole! Checkmate, Mr. Arthur “Newspaper!”

And this is just the tip of the Frost Week iceberg! You go as far as to allow nepotism to transpire in your rank. This is one step too far as nothing of the sort has ever transpired here at our beloved ASSociation! Imagine this: one of your senior staff, David King, is in cahoots with Johnston-Lindsay, allowing for an ideological echo chamber to form around its overhead. This hire calls into question the journalist ethic you so covet, Mr. “Newspaper” as King is Johnston-Lindsay’s radio-show co-host and downstairs neighbour in their subsidized housing complex. Yes, while King has previous editorial experience and a resume of related credentials and publications, he is NOT A TRENT STUDENT at the time of writing. I thought you were only for Trent students and their ilk, Mr. Arthur! He clearly admits in his Dear David screed that he has dropped out several times, clearly out of institutional contempt, and not at all due to the crippling addiction issues he talks about in the same column. Mr. “Newspaper,” instead you care only about expanding your media autocracy into Twitch streams and long-winded podcasts about Japanese video games, at the behest of evil cat-eared, self-proclaimed “transsexual” socialists, controlling the entirety of your paper by the expedient of having affixed a whimpering pea-coated Peter Gzowski apologist with a collar.

Speaking of the aforementioned gender deviants, they have on several occasions have seen fit to refer to themselves as “faggots,” “trannies,” “queers,” and the like, an abhorrent exercise in mocking the LGBTQIAA+* community (*acronym adjusted for inflation). What gives them the right to self-describe as they see fit? Permit us to suggest more appropriate alternatives: “humans” is a perfectly androgynous adjective which does not at all make the subject of reference feel like a laboratory specimen! “Folx” has equally long been understood as a much-needed alternative to the hideous and presumptuous “folks”, though in the interests of protecting women and femmes, we would encourage Ms. Robins to refer to herself henceforth as a “womyn,” so as to acknowledge the Y chromosome with which she afflicts wombed spaces. Just take a moment and think of the real victims, we “They” pronoun suffixed biological females for whom you profess outward hatred, so regularly made the victim by your pernicious little polycule. 

You endorse interloping junkie writers who would have our students drop out and irreparablely mutilate their bodies with alchemical endcocrine cocktails, all while telling their professors to “go fuck themselves” and calling our precious Groarker “a booze obsessed philosopher king.” We here at the Glass Panopticon, on the other hand, bravely tell our populus to suck it up and die trying and “forget what [they’ve] read”! Besides, Little Leo beat you to the punch! You’re not even original, Mr. Arthur! 

Getting back on track, through our initiatives we are planning to continue endemic campus malnutrition via appointment based access to food, worsen rampant housing insecurity, and further milk students and their families of thousands of dollars. We also promise to follow our by-laws only when smooth-talking bearded ex-employees remind us it’s “our job,” or something. Additionally, we strive to create new permanent roles for our beloved Executives and hire from within to manufacture opportunities for non-students. Don’t ask us who was on any hiring committee or who signed any petitions! We’ve shredded the evidence! And definitely don’t ever ask about how paper copies of slanderous petitions found their way into the hands of LEC Dons to distribute to students. Our incoming President might be an LEC Don and roommates of the individual behind the libel, but we can assure you this is a coincidence. 

So, Mr. Arthur, please, look beyond your deranged socialist ideals, and look into yourself, because your rag is dripping with baseless contempt and libel for the institution that protects you. We’re not entirely sure what a “newspaper” is, or what the purpose of “independent media” might be for that matter, but we’re pretty sure it’s supposed to be tight with and very kind to ingrained power structures and the people who operate to uphold it! Remember, our collective future lies within politics. We beg of you to think of us as Mother Goose: a benevolent, selfless creature that has done nothing but been kind to you. Sure, we’ll nip you a couple of times, intentionally defame you and deny our part in it, but only to keep you in line. 
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Lovingly yours, 

The fab folx at your TCSGay

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