In honour of everyone's second favourite Irish holiday, this month we bring you not just your 100% accurate money-back guaranteed horoscopes, but also your compatibility!
This new-and-improved service comes from the recent acquisition of a crystal ball found fortuitously in the Arthur archives, lodged between a discarded pack of Marlboros and some incriminating photos of Stephen Stohn. Enjoy, and remember: Cupid's arrow is a metaphor for the penetrative violence of traditional, heteronormative, patriarchal love. And pegging.
Dude that is way too many gifts, Jesus. This is borderline lovebombing. Are you making up for something? The flowers, the chocolates, the breakfast, it all feels like a show doesn’t it? Why are you doing this? Are you trying to supplant some deep sense that you’re not enough? Are you scared of being alone? That fire, that energy, does it come from a sense that without it, you are nothing?
Anyway, stay away from roses, not only are they unoriginal, but those prickly fucks don’t deserve our attention.
Compatibility: Maybe you should love yourself, before you love another.
Shit, that Aries stuff was dark, eh? Anyway, you’re set. You have a nice, quiet evening set up for Valentines. Not too commercial, not too lovey dovey. A new recipe perhaps? I believe in you. It’s the middle of the semester, take a quiet moment, by yourself, or with others, and reflect on it.
Then have freaky heterosexual (According to our crystal ball) sex. It’s also suggesting…a breeding kink? Listen, that’s cool bro, it’s the 21st century. You don’t have to be Catholic to get into the fun. Be careful tho, nobody wants a December birthday…
Compatibility: Celebrate the short month with a short king. Often overshadowed (literally), those little guys can really put in the work. Tall people are too full of themselves anyway.
Yikes bro. All those tinder matches you’ve been breadcrumbing are going to catch on to you soon (Our crystal ball suspects an incoming doom be thrust upon you). Instead of awkwardly flirting with people in your seminars maybe you should look in the mirror and pick one personality (Haha, get it, because geminis are two-faced) maybe if you don’t want the stereotype you shouldn’t be a player.
Don’t worry though, you can still have a fun Valentine’s day by hooking up with the polyamorous couple that “digs your vibe” and wants a third. But at the end of the day, what is the meaning of life and sex? Go read some Kafka or Nietzsche and think that one through yourself. At least you’ll be thinking with your brain for once!
Compatibility: Joe Mama (XD). Go read a book please.
I was cut off on the 115 the other day by someone with a “Fuck Cancer” sticker on the back of their car, smoking a cigarette, and not using their cruise control. I have decided that this is your problem. Fuck you and the Nissan you rode in on.
Sorry that was a bit crabby of me, I’ve taken a few breaths and I’m feeling better. What’s up with you? Sending Valentine's cards to family members? Being guided by the moon? Listen, I’ll let you in on a little secret, just between you and me. I have no fucking clue what that means, and I plan to remain ignorant till the day I die. Spend your February doing something you're passionate about, like being told what to do by a collection of anonymous, crystal ball having sickos, and day-dreaming about getting a job with your Cultural Studies degree.
Compatibility: You’ve been romanticizing some pretty strange age gaps recently. Just– go for someone your own age, you little freak. And for God's sake, stop trying to steal my phone while my dad is calling.
Hey buddy, how ya been? We are so, so sorry that we forgot to include you last month. We just want to make sure that you know that you really are valued, and that we heard your cries, and that we will endeavor till the end of your days to improve.
That said, you were a diva about it. Carving “Et Tu Brutus?” onto the Arthur office door was, on top of not being particularly relevant, very strange. How did you even get in here that late?
That said, in honour and shame of last month's exclusion, take February for yourself. Don’t worry, sport, the crystal ball says it’s cool. Commit (minor) crimes, post threatening comments about the mayor. Karma's giving you some kickback, spend it lavishly.
Compatibility: You are in need of a sugar parenty, and baby, you’re in luck. Go hit up the Bonnerworth people—a group of older, bored rich people, with nothing on their plate but to fuss. Go get em tiger.
Also please don't tell the Cancers about this.
More like virgin LMAO. No rizz? On a serious note, it’s totally ok to be single anytime of the year. We here at Arthur would never want our aros or aces to ever feel like they aren’t validated. Dating, romance, sex, they aren’t for everyone, and it shouldn’t be expected. That said, if you are dating-oriented this month of love, maybe try communicating that to others? Making eyes at someone at the Take Cover FilmCclub is only cute for the first few beats of an eyelash, after it just becomes unsettling. Also stop telling people “girls are scary”. They are, they have cooties. But like…men?
Compatibility: Find someone that would put up with you being “demure” and “incapable of making a decision or having a strong actionable opinion.” I would suggest Aries or Leo, but they’ve got some stuff to work through.
Noooooooo, nobody thinks it's sad to spend February despondently reading Fourth Wing. When your old man asks if you’re spending your 20th Valentines day in a row alone, just do what your increasingly disappointing brother does and explain what a “sigma” is to him. You could also have a long conversation about society putting down media directed towards young women and girls, and that it’s important that a variety of different examples of romance and love be depicted.
You’d then also have to acknowledge how terribly straight and normative they are at the same time, though. Our suggestion is that next time someone makes a comment, instead of having a calm discussion about the complexities of society, you punch them in the ear.
Compatibility: Our crystal ball suggests you should go to Black Honey and read feminist literature until a mediocre man comes up and starts explaining it to you. Spring fling! God knows he’ll crumble after “3 Months” anyway.
Just so you know, it is totally cool and mysterious to spend Valentine's day alone. Everyone totally doesn’t perceive you as a loner emo freak, you’re so sigma coded! If you do by the grace of the gods find yourself landing a date, be sure to recite your nihilist manifesto, I heard that’s what the lady’s and twinks love after all. Instead of enjoying life for once, you should blast some midwest emo in your car while complaining that Chappell Roan is so mainstream and overrated. The gays will come flocking to you for sure for being so unique and quirky. Did I mention how mysterious and cool you are?
Compatibility: No one. Unless someone begs you for your affection (they won't)
BRAT summer is over, you may be a 365 party girl but it’s time to settle down and stop hooking up with pseudo-feminist men at parties and find someone who is actual wifey material. Perhaps download Hinge, it is a classier Tinder after all (or so they say) and record a voice note of your totally cool and inspired original remix to show off your DJ skills that will change the world. Make sure that it’s on pitch for once though! That is how to attract a mate in these modern times after all. It’s time to move from BRAT summer to…uh…trad-wife winter? I don’t know. Just wear protection.
Compatibility: Our crystal ball is telling me that you will be meeting someone with glasses and typically has their head in a book. Opposites do attract. Perhaps a Scorpio will be popping up in your life (good luck.)
Wow, you guys are still alive? As the living definition of burnout, Valentine’s Day may just sound like another chore to you. However, I’m here to force you out of your bubble as our crystal ball here at Arthur is telling me that all of the signs are attracted to you. Yes, that’s right: ALL of them. No one has their shit together, and you’re the only one who seems to be at the surface. The question is though, who do YOU want? Read through our wonderful and kind predictions for your sister signs and choose wisely who you will accept into your heart (if you so dare…)
Compatibility: The choice is yours. Please just go out and socialize (please).
Oh hey, forgot about you guys. I guess this is your season or whatever. Now that your ego has been deflated I need you to take a long, hard look at yourself and realize not everybody wants you, and that's okay. Our crystal ball has informed me that YOU must be the chaser of love, because you certainly are not attracting anybody. In fact, it has also told me that you will be finding someone who catches your eye this week… So, don’t fuck this up for yourself and miss the opportunity to potentially pursue the one. Go out and get what you want, diva.
Compatibility: You will likely pursue someone who is a Libra, Gemini, or Aries. Ask them for their Zodiac sign on your date and get back to me on how scary accurate I am.
Hey fishie fish. The Arthur crystal ball informs me that you will meet someone on the Trent bridge fishing in the river. You must ask them to accompany you to dine at the finest Fish ‘n Chips place that Peterborough has to offer. After that, you guys must take the GO bus down to Toronto and, as the great Lois Griffin once said: “take edibles and go to the aquarium.” Then, when dusk strikes, get a hotel room and pursue your new lover. Then in the morning, like a fish, you must depart in the sea and never look back.
P.S. Happy Birthday V.
Compatibility: Probably cancer because they are a water sign and are a crab and you’re a fish so yeah.
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A rich text element can be used with static or dynamic content. For static content, just drop it into any page and begin editing. For dynamic content, add a rich text field to any collection and then connect a rich text element to that field in the settings panel. Voila!
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