Peterborough-Kawartha MP Michelle Ferreri says that, if elected, a Conservative government would force Canada’s homeless population and “woke sympathizers” to build the newly announced Alto high-speed electric rail project—for free.

Ferreri admitted to the veracity of a leaked memo from the hard drive of Conservative director of media relations, Sebastian Skamski, which stated that the Conservatives would “take every effort to cut costs and skirt federal labour laws implemented since 1878,” but only after a cunning reporter offered a bottle of Josh procured from a local Circle K.

“Trudeau fucked us on this one,” she told Arthur in a rare encounter with the media, between lengthy draughts of the cheap, American wine, swigged directly from the bottle. 

“We’re stuck with needing to pretend like we’re interested in this project, providing a service to Canadians, and creating jobs, but that doesn’t mean we can’t try and save a few bucks here and there while providing a valuable re-education opportunity to these degenerates,” the Conservative MP elaborated.

According to Ferreri, should the Conservatives form federal government in 2025, anyone in Canada who has not had a fixed address in the past three months, has written for a left-leaning media outlet, or otherwise “hung out in cafes reading books about women and stuff” would be tracked down and shipped to the front lines of the railway and made to work a minimum of 14 hours a day while listening to recording of Pierre Poilievre speeches and Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules For Life.

The Alto announcement by the Liberals, experts say, demonstrated the power of trains to enliven the political consciousness of the average Canadian voter, something Poilievre and the Conservative Party have only just tapped into and do not yet know how to wield.

“Do you think it was easy to drive the spikes of the Canadian Pacific Railway into the frozen ground? Through rock, muskeg, and mountains, Chinese labourers toiled in brutal conditions, forging a steel ribbon that unites East and West,” Poilievre said in a recent Flag Day Speech.

The Conservatives’ misguided fetishization of 19th century servitude and the Canadian Pacific Railway’s construction continued Wednesday in an actual statement from Philip Lawrence, shadow minister of transport drew a comparison to the construction of the Canadian Pacific Railway, which was constructed between 1875 and 1885.

Construction of the Canadian Pacific Railway famously depended on the labour of tens of thousands of low-paid Chinese and First Nations workers, many of whom carried out the most dangerous work on the line, with hundreds dying in the process.

Sources close to the matter told Arthur that this may be the inspiration for the new Conservative proposal to force “enemies of freedom of speech” into indentured servitude.   

“The Canadian Pacific Railway was completed in four years,” Lawrence wrote, ignoring the start date of the project and erroneously deciding to count from when British Columbia entered confederation in 1871.

While Arthur has been unable to independently verify the existence of places like “Trois Rivieres,” “Laval,” and “Ottawa”—allegedly places the Alto train will make stops at and which Ferreri said “sounded fake”—reporting on the matter by other media outlets has revealed that in the past 140 years, colonization has progressed to the point that governments now have to deal with things such as cities full of white people.

“This government is asking for over a decade simply to figure out what they should build,” Lawrence’s absolutely real statement continues, ignoring the fact the Trudeau government has outlined a planning process lasting up to six years while promising $3.9 billion for the process. 

A Trent economics professor, whose identity Arthur is protecting due to their fear of being laid off as the university deals with an impending $13 million shortfall, explained that while the numbers don’t add up, he doesn’t see this as a reason to doubt the legitimacy of Lawrence’s claim that six years equates to more than a decade.

“None of this matters anyways because money is fake and time is an illusion,” they said. “I should have gone to law school. Goddamn it. Please don’t tell anyone I read The Power Broker and didn’t sympathize with Robert Moses.”

As Ferreri polished off the last of the Josh and began nervously shuffling about and picking at her skin, she said that she may consider getting a job one day but for now she’s just enjoying being a carefree and “fun” single Mom. 

“You want to go hang out at The Social after this?” she slurred. “I hear it’s bingo night.”