Dear David, 

I’ve been having issues with my kids as of late. I’m a co-parent of two, a preschool girl and a toddler boy. When her younger brother was born a couple of years ago, our girl refused to indulge him and had violent bouts of jealousy whenever we would show him necessary attention. Flash forward to today: they’re inseparable. They do virtually everything together, so much so that both will become hysterical if they are separated for good reasons. This becomes especially clear when our daughter goes to preschool—she gets so angry that she’s getting into trouble with teachers and peers, and our son just devolves into an incorrigible, howling mess. 

The sheer amount of psychological violence these two inflict unto me is leading me to believe they’re conspiring against me. I’ve even caught them whispering to each other prior to an episode of misbehaviour, stealing glances of me and my partner before shrinking back into their secret conferral.  

I know I’m asking a lot of you, Dave, but I’m seriously considering pulling my daughter out of school and home-schooling our kids together. Their reactions are becoming more extreme as they grow older, yet I’m at wits with their co-dependence. It’s causing serious stress to myself and my partner, and our lives now revolve around our children. 

What do I do? Is this forever? Help! 

Dad o’ War  

Hail and well met, Pops! 

It’s safe to bet that this is gotta be one of the biggest doozies I’ve endeavoured to answer. Long-time readers of the Dear David media franchise will note that I tend not to dive into areas of concern best covered by almighty sages like Oprah and Gwyneth Paltrow. Topics I forbid myself from answering include finances, ethical and moral dilemmas, and conflict resolution—this is typically due to my innate talents for all of these being a point of jealousy for many “haters” and “losers.” Many such cases! 

The success of my contemporaries at providing clear, sincere guidance in these troublesome times informs Dear David as a spiritual successor. Parenting falls juuuuust outside of my scope, but since I’m on the precipice of being the same age my mom was when she brought me into this world, I’m more than keen to take you on, Daddy-o. 

After preliminary consultation with experts and professionals on this topic, I’ve got a couple of surefire methods to soothe your soul. It all begins with empathy and understanding. 

Having A Fucking Giant Meltdown

If these kids wanna play the difficult card, you’re well within your right to throw a tantrum directed at them. It’s best if this is also in public, but at home or at school is great too!  

This is generally the first line of defense that any respectable parent employs, as howling back at your spawn tends to go over well and shows your dominance as an Authority Figure. This will not cause them any psychological harm, as parenting experts say that it “cancels out.” According to the parents I reached out to, “kid logic” dictates that children must give their attention to a larger, more violent reaction.  

My friend, who wishes to be anonymous, said that having a crying fit is “more than appropriate” and it works “really well” in tandem with other parenting strategies.  

“When they go low, go to Hell, dude,” they said via text. “The best combination is when you get right in their face and scream bloody murder, as it tells your child you’re the bigger baby in the situation.” 

From the sounds of it, you’re overwhelmed by the sheer weight of your children’s misbehaviour, and howling back at them when they fuck with you is absolutely warranted.  After all, why deal with the crushing pressures of parenthood with any semblance of Normal Humanity when you can throw yourself onto the floor, sob uncontrollably, and scream at children when they personally offend your thin sense of authority?  

Meltdowns are a celebration of your inner child, and connecting with your kids on this level will activate the empathy gland in the back of their head. They’ll totally get it.  

Leave Them Alone, They’re Fine 

Let’s acknowledge the elephant in the room here. Thanks to your attentive and selfless parenting, your children are displaying levels of awareness and intelligence in what you disparagingly coin as “co-dependence.” Parenting experts really emphasize that healthy sibling relationships are crucial for emotional development. Clearly, you’re ignoring the fact that your children are teaching each other crucial skills like conflict resolution, empathy, and cooperation. You can learn so much from the way they communicate that to you and your partner.  

Experts suggest that fostering a positive sibling bond involves the promotion of mutual respect, clear boundaries, and encouraging shared activities. While the conflict you describe is natural, managing it constructively helps siblings develop problem-solving skills and emotional intelligence. They’re building traits that you clearly display in asking me about this.  

After holding space for how your children communicate, you probably need to interrogate your extremely narrow view of child-rearing. How did you make it this long without asking yourself “am I right to be parenting?” This is sincerely something that a lot of people do not ask themselves before acquiring a child or two. From the looks of things, you haven’t done that! 

Considering the tantrums they’re having and the incorrigibility of their emotional states, I think you’re in the wrong here. Conveniently enough, you’ve left out information about the way you and your partner respond to these situations, only what precedes them. Children are shaped by their environment, and if you’re sponsoring bad vibes at home, they’re going to act out as a result of these changes.

Tap Me In. I’ll Deal With It 

Lots of parents have told me I would make an excellent father. It’s my belief that I’m empathetic, fun-loving, and a really chill guy that loves to vibe. Kids love that in a parental figure, and if you’re constantly battling your children for control, they’re going to resent you. 

I speak on this from my wealth of experience—one time, I couldn’t go to my friend Kyle’s house, because my mom said I had “punched” a kid on the walk home from my elementary school. This was the first smear campaign I’ve ever had to deal with, and I actually handled it really well: I insisted that I was the victim and that everyone involved was a liar. 

To this day, my mom brings this story up, especially at holiday dinners with our extended family. She laughs at how funny she felt this formative life event was before I disprove her recollection and insist that she is lying for attention. I cannot stand instances where my mother tries to humiliate me as a grown man. It’s why I go to therapy. 

The situation I just described is a harrowing look into the future if you decide not to heed my warning. Again, unsure of what your capacity for empathy is here, but it’s not very high if you’re asking me (an empath and conflict resolution coach) what to do here. A lack of empathy could cost thousands of dollars in future therapy bills, and we also need to hold space for what that means for your rugrats.

Let me become the father of your children. You’ve proven yourself incapable, emotionally inept, and combative. I hate the way you talk about your precious ones, and you are unfit for the most important job you’ll ever have. You’re fired! 

‍Dear David is a monthly advice column that posits itself as the alpha and omega of knowledge; the absolute last bastion, where all questions go to die, but not if David has anything to say about it. Arthur Journalist David King is the expert, the vanguardist pillar of this endeavour, and your question will be answered, but at a cost.