Dear David,

I am a lesbian in desperate need of chaser advice. I really want to keep my bush but it’s starting to become unmanageable. I need to 'tame the jungle,' so to speak, lest it become hazardous to my girlfriend. Do I shave it off completely, or just trim it back to OSHA compliance? How does one style a bush, and how much (if any) is appropriate to be hanging out the sides/above the waistband of my Calvins?

Thanks in advance,

Kate

‍

Greetings, Kate!

As a card-carrying chaser, you’ve come to the right place. I know lots of things about women, and I’m committed to expounding upon that knowledge when exactly no one has asked. Before I expand upon my feminist reeducation, let’s look to the regulations that provide the best legal guidance on women’s bodies. 

Referring back to the Occupational Health and Safety Act (OHSA), it states that “employers, supervisors and workers all have key roles to play in taking responsibility for health and safety in the workplace.” As a lesbian, you fall under the role of supervisor to your girlfriend, a worker.

You have a responsibility for the wellbeing of your partner, and I’m more than pleased that you’ve brought forward this concern. However, bush length, quality, and style are a stipulation in the Collective Agreement that you signed with your girlfriend, so be wary of violating that clause. According to the Labour Relations Act, if she files a grievance against you, you must go through the mediation process, which would include a binding settlement through arbitration.

In other words, she would probably get her way if you’re not careful. This would definitely impact your chances of moving in together before the end of the fiscal year. Sorry!

To avoid this, I suggest reading your Collective Agreement. I have obtained a copy of said agreement from your girlfriend, seeing as she is a member of her local. Consider this your guideline to an CA compliant bush.

Length 

No bush can be shorter than 1cm, and anything shorter is actually punishable by law. While many lesbians insist this upon a shaven or trimmed pubic bone, this safe length is actually for your safety, as short pubes “fucking suck to deal with” and “are scratchy.” The law says that. 

This restriction on length is also enshrine your girlfriend’s right to a safe working environment through OHSA. The Ontario Lesbian Guild reported more than 200 incidents of facial abrasions in the last year due to unsanctioned shaving or trimming. Do you want to hurt your girlfriend with scratchy hair? Don’t think so.

Short pubis also makes women prone to more bacterial activity in their nether regions. Your pubes actually trap harmful bacteria and convert it into the cool kind that make you stink good, so be considerate of you and your girlfriend’s health before considering trimming. 

Waistband-to-Hair Ratio 

Many lesbians and their employees don’t consider the style implications of a trimmed bush. What does it mean for the fashion choices you make under your Collective Agreement?

Your Agreement stipulates that “at least two centimetres of bush must be visible around the perimeter of any undergarment worn by… a lesbian or their friends.” This applies to any token straight men, he/hims, or she/theys you keep around. Please keep these parties abreast of this ratio, as any violation of your CA could be used against you during any grievance process your girlfriend initiates.

This ratio also applies to pit hair and your everyday wear, so if you trim your arm-pits out of this ratio, that could also be grounds for a grievance. This is all to protect the safety of yourself and your beautiful girlfriend.

Agreement-friendly garments include overalls, distressed shorts, and crop tops (or any former graphic tee). Ask your girlfriend what’s best here, as she is the best resource for CA-related inquiries. 

Colour & Texture

Did you know that your Agreement has stipulations on the colour and quality of your bush? This may seem counterintuitive, but we (me and your girlfriend) can assure you that it is to uphold an unyielding quality of workplace.

While most body hair, including pubic hair, is a personal and natural part of human anatomy, there's no universal standard for what it "should" look like, but your girlfriend has indeed outlined in your Agreement that YOU SIGNED what it should comply to.

No matter whether someone has dark, curly, or any other type, pubic hair is governed by this metric in your Agreement as “dark, curly, and very coarse.” This means you MUST ensure that your bush is maintained in this fashion, or else you’re not getting the keys to that Uhaul anytime soon. 

We (me and your girlfriend) understand that references for body hair styles, including pubic hair, vary widely across cultures and individuals. What's most important is that everyone feels comfortable and confident in their own body, but in a way that honours the plight of the humble worker. 

 Well! I hope you find this guide to be enlightening in respect to bush maintenance. For a more detailed point of reference, please consult your Collective Agreement, which you should have a copy of. It’s probably on your fridge or something. 

While I do maintain a degree of submission anonymity, I told your girlfriend that I find your insinuation that your precious treasure trail is “hazardous” to be VERY detrimental to women’s rights. How dare you attempt to violate the legal BIRTHRIGHT for women to express themselves!!! Do you hate other women?