Dear David,

David, I am pregnant. Please help, what do I name my child? (They use they/them)

Sincerely,

Tubthumper

‍

Dearest Tubthumper,

Congratulations on your achievement! It will be a beautiful, blue-haired baby, and I’m honoured to be the christener of the aforementioned spawn. Your little howler deserves only the best of titles, so you’ve come to the right place. I named myself and it went over well, as my parents said my name was “boring and ugly,” so it’s been all uphill from there. 

In 2022, we make such a fuss about gender neutral names for babies, especially with the advent of X Æ A-XII Musk, which definitely wasn't a publicity stunt, but rather a statement about how dumb and gay gender is. As one of several resident transexuals at Arthur, I am more than qualified to make this assessment, and to name your future squealer. 

Plant names have been incredibly popular as of late, as fostering a connection to the natural world is key to understanding our Earth. Names like “Bark,” “Douglas Fir,” and “Unwatered Palm” have an edge that other parents will envy. 

Descriptor nouns are great too, especially for predetermining your child’s destiny. “Carnivore,” “Destroyer,” and “Bitey” are elaborate, yet have an edge to them, establishing their non-conforming dominance over the gendered children. 

Who doesn't love a good popular culture reference? “Gubble For Playstation Two,” and “Major League Baseball” are clearly strong contenders. In case you have triplets, naming them “Xbox,” “Xbox 360,” and “Xbox One” will have all the parents foaming at the mouth with jealousy!

Honourable mentions go out to the following:

• Finger
• Arthur Newspaper
• Lorem Ipsum Dolor

Hopefully I could be of some service to you. I am now your they/them baby’s godfather, so I’ll see you at the baptism!

‍

Dear David,

I’m worried my personality may bother people. How do I make sure of it?

Yours truly,

Boresome in the ‘Borough

‍

My boring friend,

Speaking as the most annoying human being imaginable, I feel more than qualified to speak on becoming an unstoppable force of nuisance. People are mad as hell I exist, and some even go as far to think I am a manifestation of the devil. This number is more than one, and less than five. 

Personally, I can attribute this to several outside factors and pervasive defects of character that I cannot control. I use these to the best of my ability to be as abrasive as humanly possible. These traits are key to spreading your personal disease amongst the masses.

Homosexuality

Being gay is more than half the battle here. If you’re already attracted to the same gender, good on you! This ensures that most of your personality will be taken up by homosexual offshoots and its related activities, such as vaping in public bathrooms, shouting obscenities, and wearing an inordinate amount of pins to express your ever-shifting belief system. 

Transsexuality

Might as well nail two letters in that forsaken acronym. To maximize your output, you’ll need to heavily incorporate being transgender into your personality. This includes, but is not limited to, talking to your friends about how funny your genitalia is, existing in public, and listening to a variety of harsh noise music. If you’re cisgender, ignore this part, and while I’m here, don’t you dare tack “/they” onto your pronouns. I will find out where you live and take a massive shit on your front step. It will smell exactly like Armageddon as described in the Book of Revelations. 

Obnoxiousness

One of my default emotional states is “shouting.” As someone who has no natural ability to control my volume, I am painted as an individual constitutionally incapable of shutting the fuck up. At times, this has benefitted me, wherein I get to take up as much space as I like and be as abrasive as possible with little repercussions, but at the same time, I’m technically a white guy at first glance. I realized this the other day, when I looked in the mirror and saw some guy with Fred Durst chin hair. It was incredibly jarring, as I thought I was this androgynous cherub of inspirational gender confusion, but in reality, I’m just a loudmouth schlub who posted on Twitter through a lot of trauma because he couldn’t afford rehab. 

My hope is that you can incorporate a few of my traits into your daily life. Ensuring you are the most bothersome cretin to walk God’s green earth allows you to socially dominate everyone who knows you/of you. 

‍

Dear David, 

How do I study for a test?

Yours,

Clueless in Peterborough 

‍

Dear clueless reader,

Exam season is upon us! The end of the fall semester can definitely be overwhelming, especially for those of us who have other responsibilities outside of school. Lots of people also work during their time in school, and juggling everything can certainly be a bit of a learning curve. One’s time management is really put to the test this time of year, with the holidays just on the horizon.  

Here’s a list of tips and tricks I personally have employed that have worked best for me in the past. 

Dropping Out

Just leave! It’s fine. Nobody will judge you for bailing. Leaving school completely is the best method to ace a test, because you won’t even have to go to said test if you fuck right off out of there! It worked for me, and now look!

‍

Discover what other questions David barely answers by sending your issues and grievances to editors@trentarthur.ca, or directly message either @trentarthurnews or @daves_realm on Instagram.