Dear David,

My best friend is a cishet, white man. How do I cure him?

Tenderly Kweer

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Hail and well met, Tender Kweer!

As someone with a straight bosom friend, this burden is so relatable in how palpable it is. I am unfortunately forced to engage with weird men on a daily basis, starting first thing in the morning when I look in the mirror and see the little freak I’ve turned into. The next weird man I have to deal with is this guy that lives in my building. I can’t seem to shake him wherever I go, be it the Arthur office or outside for a smoke, because he’s always around in an almost omnipotent fashion. His name currently escapes me, but he looks like a blond, bespectacled, bi-curious Rick Moranis. 

Anyway, we’re best friends, and I would absolutely go to war for this guy, despite his open Melvilesque fetish for peacoats and pipe tobacco. We are historically bonded by the commonality of how many people we’ve pissed off with our selfish bullshit, and by some miracle, don’t kill each other when one pisses the other off with the aforementioned selfish bullshit. We always learn from each other: he’s taught me how to do taxes and read, while I teach him what not to do, every single day. It’s a beautiful, reciprocal friendship. 

As for your friend, we need to think about qualities and attributes that negate whiteness. If you were also thinking “queerness,” you could not be more correct. We can change his gender and sexuality because being a fag is clearly a choice. I chose to be a little freak of nature, and I’ll stand by this decision until I draw my last breath.

I think the next best step is getting your friend to engage in the David Programme. What is the David Programme, one might ask? It’s a lifestyle guideline, if you’ll have me, a new lease on life that provides participants with a brand new, predetermined gender and sexuality that will negate all social currency one might have as a result of being the default factory setting of a human being. 

This Programme comes at-cost, and is not affiliated with Arthur whatsoever, yet comes with fascinating options such as “asexual bisexual,” “little gay goblin,” and “Orb.” That’s just a taste of what the David Programme could do for you. It’s $200 and a pack of menthol Marlboros. Go on! Get it for me! 

For short-term solutions, just cattle-prod the son-of-a-bitch. It’ll be funny.

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Dear David,

Who is Big He/Him and why is he so hot?

Thanks, 

Gzowski Apologist 

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Beloved Gzowski Apologist,

As the spokesman for all he/hims everywhere, what a wonderful little inquiry this is! Let me preface by speaking to the delight of receiving this question and how much of a pleasure there is to being a conduit for answers. 

I am Big He/Him, because while I am only a manlet that dresses like Jesse Pinkman, I am actually the CEO of being transgender. I am on the payroll for indoctrinating your children into the transsexual cult of personality I have carefully curated. Appearances are deceiving! Nevermind all of the most important predecessors being women or lesbians. They’re women and I’m definitely cooler than them. Take that, women! It’s my turn to speak truth to power. 

I used to be a woman, so in turn, that makes me super good at feminism and understanding women’s needs. I will not listen to them, but I will definitely talk over them, because I clearly know more than them. I’ve experienced being both main genders and also none of the genders, so your degree in Gender Studies can slurp on my taint. I don’t need to take some gay class called “Women Doing Gay Stuff,” because I learned how to do gender from video games and smoking weed. Master Chief is gender euphoria, and you’re just mad that I’m so good at performing the little song and dance that makes me get paid more.

Pull yourself up by the bootstraps, ladies! Simply just become a man if you don’t like being treated inhumanely. Change teams if you want your rights so bad! It’s not hard, and you should stop being so whiny.

Also: asking this question, to some effect, makes you gay. Sorry, I don’t make the rules! I just enforce them via passive-aggressive jabs. Good God, this reminds me that I am indeed desecrating the cultural institution of Arthur in real-time and I am having the time of my goddamn life doing it. 

My source is “just trust me.” 

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Dear David is a monthly advice column that posits itself as the alpha and omega of knowledge; the absolute last bastion, where all questions go to die, but not if David has anything to say about it. Arthur Journalist David King is the expert, the vanguardist pillar of this endeavour, and your question will be answered, but at a cost.