It’s a tale as old as time. “Shucks, I sure do want to date men, but Andrew Tate is literally real.” 

What are women supposed to do? In a world populated with business majors and Call of Duty players, the women’s dating pool is getting slimmer and slimmer. As a 6’4” man who reads feminist literature, I hear your concerns, and I think I have a solution. Women should date women.

I know, I know, this may sound a little radical. Perhaps naïve. It may even sound gay. 

Well, it is gay. 

I know what you’re saying “Women dating women, I thought Pornhub made that up? Scissoring? What’s next, papering?” I know it may sound crazy, but it’s real. Lesbians are out there, and they’re more common than you might think. 

They could literally be anyone: That tattooed girl with the wolfcut and flannel that works at the lumber yard, Hozier, the blue haired girl that always got in arguments with the Joe Rogan kid in grade 12, maybe even the She/They at Starbucks who is a close personal friend and roommate of the aforementioned lumberjack. It could even be that tall leather mommy from Arthur you see stalking around campus, bullying that mustached twink of hers. 

I want you to just stop and think to yourself for a moment. Wouldn’t it be neat to be with someone that regularly showers? With someone that doesn’t religiously watch Ben Shapiro “ironically”? To be with someone who knows where a pad goes? 

There are a lot of upsides to dating a woman. 

No more facetime calls where you’re ignored for FIFA 2023. More trips to Black Honey Cafe. No more petty whining that they deserve a reward for common decency. Dating a girl, it’s all smooth sailing. They’ll probably smell nice. They’ll probably know how to take a complementary photo. Hell, I even hear girls are known to be pretty. 

Perhaps you’re thinking of the logistics. Ian, surely there is a reason that all women can’t just date each other. You must be missing something. 

I assure you, I’m not. All the bases are covered.

Cooties? If you’re a woman, you already have cooties, it’s too late for you. Worried about them using up all the hot water? Shower with them. What if they use my chapstick? Get them to press their lips to yours. Will I need another bed for them to sleep in? No, just sleep together.  There is literally nothing stopping you dating a woman.

There has been one elephant in the room I have been ignoring. Straight women. Those of you who are attracted to mullets, and keep Colleen Hoover fed. I try not to be a doomer in my day to day life, but I have unfortunate news for you. You may never be able to date a woman. (Sidenote: there are actually some queer advocates that are claiming that sexuality can change as you age, just as the body matures. Fascinating stuff.)

As my famed editor and alleged gay, Evan Batmans, once said “I can think of no greater evidence that sexuality isn’t a choice than straight women.” You are some of God’s strongest soldiers, and you have been given his toughest battles. 

As I see it, you have two choices: You either sacrifice yourself, learn about the Snyder-verse and NFTs, and live an amatonormative heterosexual life, suffer under the banner of patriarchy and All-American values, bringing forth the next generation of gays, a new generation filled with hope that they can someday date women. Or, you can run off into the woods, read smut, cast spells, and pet cats. 

Personally, I’d go with the cats. 

This next segment is for the men out there. 

Hey buddies, so proud of your reading level. Gold star for ya. Now this whole piece may have unsettled you. It seems like you’ve been openly mocking men for nigh 500 words. Who would we date if all the girls are dating each other?

To that first point, odds are that if you’re reading this, you weren’t the target of my jests. And to the second point, well, you may want to sit down for this… 

Other guys? Think of all those kisses goodnight, all the surprisingly sexual sleepover wrestling matches. Who's there for you when you’re on the bench press? Who’s sweating it out with you in the sauna? Who knows and understands the tragedy of backsplash? Listen, I don’t have the word count to go into great detail, but for those of you who are interested, look up “men docking” for more information.

Finally, I come to those who are well and truly damned. Straight men. If you are at your wits end, you were socialized as a man, and you just really want to date a woman, I have a solution. I hear you, women can be pretty neat. Your only choice is to transition. If you can’t beat em, join em. Being trans has never been easier or more socially accepted than it is now. I even hear that the schools are making children trans, the way it’s so easy and entirely choice driven and well funded and supported by the government. It comes with plenty of bonuses. Nobody will ever ask you about your genitals, or stare at you in bathrooms. You can even avoid male pattern baldness. You may even get boobies (crazy, I know, but it’s true).

Women are neat, and other women are neat, therefore they should date. The world would be a better place if more women would just realize that nothing is stopping them from dating women. This article is dedicated to all the women out there, thinking about their lives, hoping against hope that they don’t have to date the guy with a fish pic in his bio. We all have that friend that we think about, the one we look at and go “Maybe…” Take that leap. Take that chance. Run off into the trees.

Reject society, embrace lesbianism.