The following question was submitted to Arthur via personal delivery, with an unusually dirty sheet of legal pad being shoved under the door at the Arthur office earlier this week. With the question being unintelligible and written in unreasonably small handwriting, we tried to the best of our ability to parse what was given to us, as it was the only question we received for Dear David this week. The attached photo will provide some readers insight into what we’re working with. 

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Dear David,

For the past couple of weeks, I have become concerned with some sightings alongside human homesteads of minuscule creaturemen(?) that take small trinkets in the night. They appear to be harmless, yet I’m wondering if they will come again so I will greet them [the rest is unintelligible scrawl]

Thanks,

Human Jeremy

Dear “Human Jeremy,”

I would like to applaud you for being the first person(?) to send me a physical letter! Though thought dead, the great Canadian postal service prevails, with the triumph of this message getting through to our offices without a hitch. I can only hope that when you receive this reply, you feel the same level of esteemed joy that I am currently experiencing while penning this. 

I would also like to take the pulpit to state to my constituency, the beloved readership of Arthur, that this “Human Jeremy,” although a believable moniker, is no human being of our realm. No, dear reader, this is clearly a gnome. While I would like to entertain “Human Jeremy,” I also heavily engage in the pursuit of truth and justice by any means necessary, so exposing the existence of gnomes in my rinky-dink newspaper column is far more entertaining than whatever other bullshit I had planned for this week. Fuck that! We’re getting gnomepilled this week. 

In folklore and mythology, gnomes are typically described as small, humanoid creatures with a penchant for living in nature and underground. They are often depicted as mischievous, but generally benevolent, and may possess magical powers.

The concept of gnomes has been present in various cultures throughout history, with early mentions dating back to the 16th century. The race has been featured in numerous works of popular literature, including that of Lord of the Rings, and predominantly in fantasy tabletop games like Dungeons and Dragons where they are an energetic race of adventurous subterranean dwellers. 

Yet, it should be made clear that these are not the fantasy gnomes we are dealing with. We’ve got some Peterborough gnomes on our hands. There is a marked difference, in that their benevolence doesn’t exist, as they live in Peterborough, so they clearly thrive on mischief without kindness or good humour. The distinction between my practice and the practice of Peterborough gnomes should be noted, as I am a sweetheart, and beloved by most people.

However, let that not deter us from the fact of the matter at hand here: this letter is clearly an act of a calculated conspiracy against me personally. There have been gnomes sighted in the area, and I believe the delivery of this particular message is a veiled threat against not only me, but the entirety of the Arthur masthead. 

I was initially alerted to the existence of gnomes through a series of TikToks posted by @gnomes_are_real, and ever since I posted about them on my March 26th Instagram story, I have become absolutely littered with bedevilments. I am not at fault for any of my problems, because I believe wholeheartedly they have been caused by gnomes in a massive conspiracy to not only destroy my reputation, but malign me as a representative of their interests.

Let me take you through the evidence. 

First, the shorthand of this letter is in a small, scrawny font, telling me that no human hand would have written this. The note’s contents only exist on the upper left register of the paper it’s on, so proportionally speaking, this makes sense if a half-half-homunculus were to write on any sort of paper, it would be restricted to one section, as gnomes aren’t that big. 

Considering such a deeply diminutive creature, with stout, rotund bodies, generally with plump bellies and chubby little limbs, gnomes do not have the physique to be writing. That’s a human job. Don’t come for my job! I am not describing myself. 

Further, they cannot hold a pen feasibly, because their hands are so tiny, but it does not deter them from undertaking the endeavour of writing threatening notes. Despite their small size, gnomes are known for their strength and resilience, ability to carry heavy loads, and endure harsh weather conditions, hence why they would thrive here. They are not built for my task.

From the condition of this note, it seems it was hauled through some dirt and torn up in the process of delivery. The authenticity of this note is confirmed through the devolution of the quality of handwriting, as the scrawl continues to come off the hinge and comes back on the hinge as it is concluded with its “Human Jeremy” signatory. This is indicative of a change in mood while writing this: maybe, while the gnome in question was writing this screed, they got so mad at the thought of me that their anger was reflected in their penmanship. 

I cannot stress this enough: this is merely first contact with a race of creatures we (the science community) thought were mythical, and they decided to reach out to me, and become my haters. Let me say this, then: You whores know who you are. Don’t try me. I am currently becoming versed in the same woodland magicks you use to play trickery on the human populus, so watch it, shorties. 

Dear David is a monthly advice column that posits itself as the alpha and omega of knowledge; the absolute last bastion, where all questions go to die, but not if David has anything to say about it. Arthur Journalist David King is the expert, the vanguardist pillar of this endeavour, and your question will be answered, but at a cost.

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