Something happened to me recently. My partner and I needed to visit the ER, late at night, during a snowstorm. Upon leaving to go home, a driver turned into the right lane closest to us, where a large icy puddle was. They soaked us. Then, turned back into the left lane and continued on their way. As if to intentionally drive through the puddle. We were upset, and cold, which prompted me to start wondering: why do people do what they do? 

I remember during my time at Trent I learned of a theory, developed by Fritz Heider, who attempted to figure out exactly that. He proposed that when someone does something there is one of two reasons why. The first is that something external to that person influenced them to behave the way they did—situational behavior. Alternatively, some behavior is caused by internal factors such as that person’s personality, thoughts or feelings—dispositional behavior. 

Imagine you’re working on a group project and one person will not respond in the group chat, making it difficult to finish the project. Is that person flaky, and avoiding the chat? Or has there been an accident, making it difficult for them to be online? Those are extreme ends. The average person has many factors that influence their behavior and it is a mix of both situational and dispositional influences which determine why a person acts the way they do.

So, I have to wonder, did that person intentionally splash us? Let’s explore. We attributed their behavior to disposition. They were the kind of person who sees other people walking in a snowstorm and thinks “I would like to splash them with my car”. Although, is there any other reason they might have done that? To be clear, I’m not excusing a person’s behavior. Splashing us did cause discomfort whether or not they meant to. The same applies to more serious actions. 

But is there another reason? Because of these recent events, I’ve been trying to implement a mental framework into my life when something negative happens to me. First, I try to assume that whatever happened was situational—that that person does not inherently have a poor character. Next, I try to think of a generic reason for someone’s poor behavior. Something every person experiences, something that can happen at any time. Something serious enough that it’s the only thing that person can consider—voiding their consideration for others—but not serious enough to call for help. What could cause someone to stop caring for others even when they typically do? Well, maybe they have to poop.

Thinking of someone else having to relieve themselves is not the nicest image to picture but there can be lots of other reasons as well. If an event causes harm or discomfort to you, know that that might not have been the intention. When someone in front of you walks through a door and doesn’t look back or hold the door at all it could feel like you’re invisible to them—not a great feeling.

Although, consider this. Think of a competitive person. Imagine they are competing with you. They want to win. You also want to win and losing will cause you to feel bad or, in other words, cause you harm. However, that doesn’t mean they want to cause you harm. You losing is a condition necessary for them to win, which is their primary focus. Taking it back to poop: their goal is to find a restroom at which to relieve themselves. In their efforts to achieve that goal, they did not hold the door for you, but they did not go to that building with the intention of inconveniencing you (dispositional behavior). They were trying to find a place to poop because it was an emergency (situational behavior).

The take-away from this is to reconsider when something bad happens to you. Sometimes, it will be intentional—that person meant to do that to you. Although, most of the time it is situational. The average person is not inherently trying to cause harm to another person. Most people are just trying to get through life. It is our own decision, to be kind, unless we cannot be. Unless we have to poop.

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