In mid-March 2023 as Arthur faced the possibility of losing a substantial amount of its levy revenue due to the misguided actions of a group of corrupt bedsheet vandals bent on solving a nationwide housing crisis one pun at a time, I thought it might be fun to educate students on what they could buy on Amazon for $12.89 so that they can make an informed decision when or if they go to the polls.

Of course, the TCSA managed to remember they were legally obligated to follow their own by-laws and while they have yet to publicly admit to the fact they were breaking very straightforward rules surrounding petitions and elections, thereby undermining the trust in and integrity of every election under their purview, they did retract the referendum question. 

Last month, I had a whole other editorial ready to go but I grew afraid some of the crypto-conservative clowns who have no doubt spent too much time huffing spray paint fumes and eating frozen pizza would call campus security on me (or ask me to call them on myself) if I said how I really feel about them in print. As it turned out, however, Bethan’s last month on the job fell in March and so, as is customary, she was given a chance to write a final editorial. Crisis averted!

But then I thought it would be a shame if this didn’t see the light of day given how desperately hard some stunned students worked to warp the minds of their fellows against one of the oldest student groups on campus; a group which has served as an archive of student voices for longer than most of their parents have been alive. 

Needless to say, I have my doubts about how closely they read Arthur given that they have yet to accurately tell us how many times Arthur has published the “f-slur” and Lord knows they can’t figure out how to read a balance sheet or the Employment Standards Act. According to them, that would be “too hard” and “too much work” - statements which really make me wonder about what exactly goes on in the TCSA office if these are considered difficult tasks to accomplish. Although, perhaps it explains everything.

Either way, hopefully they don’t read this because if they do they might realize how inconsequential their petty, if also deeply corrupt, mission had been. I mean, surely they have some homework to do? Those of them that are students, anyways. 

This can’t be good for the burn-out, can it? 

Regardless, without further ado - here is what I found out you can buy for $12.89 on Amazon.

The first thing I found was a Gillette Venus Extra Smooth Mini Razor Refill for “Women” which rings in at $9.99. However, if you and your friend pooled your respective levy fortunes you could buy the Mini Handle + four refills for $16.92 and still have enough to share a specialty latte from the Student Centre Starbucks. Hair removal is easy when you have a friend to help get those hard to reach spots. As an added bonus, you can discuss the finer points of why you’re offended by something you read in Arthur as you tend your buddy’s bush.

Now, I’ll admit that I was inspired by a current TCSA Executive when I began my search for items on Amazon worth less than an Arthur levy fee. You see, I had the pleasure of attending “Sexy Bingo” and I learned a lot. For example, I became aware that Trent students and their trusted leaders think repeating the phrase “pocket pussy” is uproarious and the pinnacle of humour and sex-education. 

So, out of this I was determined to find the cheapest masturbatory tool I could from the safety of my home in the dead of night so that I could write about it and publish it online so it follows me around forever. Don’t ever talk to me about accountability!

Readers of the anti-intellectual penis-having variety will be glad to know they technically won’t have to fuck themselves any longer as with that stowed-away levy fee they will be able to buy their very own “Two-in-One Male Masturbators Adult Sex Toy with Realistic Textured Mouth Vagina” for the low, low price of $9.99.

If a “mouth vagina” is a new concept to you as well, wait until you hear what else you could potentially purchase with $12.89 instead of being a member of the only independent student media organization in the Kawarthas. For those so inclined and with a friend to share you can get fucked together by going in (and then down) on an 11.8x1.3 Flexible Double Dildo. If you have Prime, it’s yours for $19.22.

With all the fun and excitement these possible gifts to yourself and your friends tell of, there’s no doubt some aches and pains will arise. This is why I’m happy to inform the Arthur readership that should you ever again have the opportunity to vote to receive your Arthur levy fee back you’ll be able to purchase a 30-pack of Aleve Back and Body Pain liquid capsules. At $10.49, this is a bargain and definitely worth threatening student jobs and slandering the newspaper our Chancellor Stephen Stohn helped found in 1966. 

As I spent all night driving myself into a frenzy looking for the various odds and ends that could possibly make my final list, I came across something that might be useful to those among us who may feel, deep down, that their malicious desire to make the world conform to their every whim may be born out of a deep-seated lack of self-confidence and awareness of how their actions affect others. 

For these terminally unique specimens, my extensive non-ethics board approved research found that with your refunded levy fee you’ll be able to buy a brand new mass market paperback copy of Nathaniel Brandon’s Honoring the Self: The Psychology of Confidence and Respect (1985). 

“Self concept is destiny” proclaims the item description. “The reputation you have with yourself—your self-esteem—is the single most important factor for a fulfilling life.” Find out why the world doesn’t revolve around you for a mere $11.99.