I will not sing the song by Aqua. That is not a song. It is an anthem.

Barbie still transfixes me. When I look at dolls with children, they may prefer Monster High or LoL dolls, but I get a look at what is going on with Barbie in those minutes before I buy the inferior doll requested by the child I am shopping with. Is this child transfixed by the monster high doll? Yes. I watch her brush her hair and perch the doll on her night stand. 

Barbie is about access. With Barbie in the 80s, I could get ready for a party all day. The party itself was nothing, getting ready was the important bit: trying on every item of clothing, cutting and sewing old shirts, crocheting boas and scarves. This was the do-everything-
to-make-an-entrance girl. From the ages of five to twelve, Barbie was my Entire World. Getting ready for a party all day made sense—I hadn't been to a party. Really, have I been to a party, even now? What I, through the vehicle of my plastic maven, prepared for was utopia. Nothing was said out of place, nobody offended. Of course, her mouth doesn’t open, her eyes don’t shut. No metaphor there. She and Ken kiss with their eyes open. Nothing to hide.

I was worried when I first heard about the Barbie movie. What would they do to ruin a precious memory? What more could be taken from me? When I was twelve, my classmates mocked me, “How's Barbie and Ken?” I put them away. The panopticon was strong, even before the internet. Why didn't I continue to play but only more discreetly? I can only build a time machine to find out.

I don my full pink uniform. I knew Barbie will take me on a journey. If anything goes wrong in this movie, the blood will be on Greta Gerwig’s hands. Barbie can do no wrong. Barbie doesn’t blink, if she did, that would suggest clearing her mind, resetting. No. No blinking. 

And an Australian playing Barbie! Barbie is American. “All night, she was a young American,” comes to mind. As into America as any neighbour to the North can be, I look to America to tell me what skinny blond girls are all about. If you are wearing a lab coat you are a doctor/ scientist/ veterinarian. I definitely bought into that one, buying red pants suits to be a lawyer; a satin skirt to appear to be PJ Harvey; a white slip to be Courtney Love.

I want a screening of the Barbie movie where I can throw my dolls at the screen, where I can run up and kiss the screen, where all the madness and lust that is a sexy asexual doll can crescendo.

JStor has 3861 articles about Barbie, many of them scientists asking children their opinion of Barbie. I never felt that Barbie had to look like me. I entered Barbie, she was me. Making Barbie’s body more inclusive in the celebration of more body types than one that is not, in fact, attainable is essential. However, Barbie is a catch-all for the larger problem of misogyny. 

I cried through most of the Barbie movie. There was singing and sarcasm and monologues and large life decisions. It wasn’t the kind of tears I had in Women Talking. Ken’s love for Barbie is unrequited. He wanted to be more important than he was. He discovers patriarchy in the Real World (in which a boardroom of men discuss how female children want to play) to Barbieland and takes over her dream house. She deployed his own arrogance against him to take Barbieland back. 

I cried because I remembered Barbie was my confidante. How was a therapist now the one to hear my problems and secrets? The movie felt like a gift to me. Other audience members were also laughing and clapping, but were they weeping? America Ferrera spoke to the difficulty of being a woman, how we can never do anything right, how we have to be non-threatening and helpful. Barbie described very well the way she was being sexualized when she arrived on Venice Beach, commenting how men seem angry while telling her she is gorgeous. 

When being sexually harassed in the Real World, Barbie said, “I don’t have a vagina” with her signature smile. A teenager told Barbie she was why women hate themselves, the movie contains many audience rebuttals. 

Barbie has an existential crisis when she learns that women don’t rule the Real World. She lies flat on her face. I relate.

I’d say those who didn’t play with Barbie may not be interested in this movie. The show I saw wasn’t even half full. The saturation of Margot Robbie in pink with Gap and Zara carrying pink clothing is hard for anyone to avoid. It could be a feel good summer movie. I guess it’s one thumbs up, but my thumbs aren’t opposable ;)