March 31st lays claim to two of the most life-changing events recorded in human history: my birth, and the release of boygenius’ album the record. Having shared my twentieth birthday with a debut album by my favourite freaky trio, it seems fitting that it should become 90% of my personality—it’s quite literally my birthright.

First, a bit of boygenius lore for those of you who are fortunate enough to have never felt the aftermath of subjecting yourself to three canonically depressed musicians joining forces in the form of a supergroup. The boys are composed of Phoebe Bridgers, Lucy Dacus, and Julien Baker—that's right, those boy geniuses are not boys at all, nor women, but rather a secret third thing altogether.

In 2018, the boys released their debut EP as a band, titled “boygenius”. As a result, they’ve accumulated a fanbase consisting mainly of teenage girls in their twenties with a loose grip on reality (I speak from experience), and one editor-in-chief who shall remain nameless.

If you’ve been in the stratosphere of the fanbase before, then you are well aware of the chokehold it has over people who have definitely lied about having listened to Bright Eyes. From 2018 until recently, to be a fan of boygenius was to be a part of a super secret underground clique with 3.8 million monthly listeners—a Fight Club for expired Zoloft prescriptions, if you will. 

Having an abnormally high screen time than deemed socially acceptable, I have seen the memes of three unrelated objects with the caption “omg it’s literally boygenius”. To that, I raise you one better: 

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With the release of their album, the boys have rapidly reached a level of commercial success which far surpasses that seen from their EP, even performing on Taylor Swift’s “The Eras” tour. (For the sake of sparing Arthur from another slew of middle-school accusations, I will refrain from commenting on this.)

That being said, I want to bring attention to the fact that boygenius is coming to Toronto on June 21st. You heard me, the boys are back in town! The vibrational frequencies are ramping up, the sun is shining, tarot cards everywhere are pulling The Fool, world peace is within grasp—the most annoying people you know are about to get a lot worse!

There is, however, one slight problem: I am without tickets. 

I assume you’ve clicked on this article because you have some nominal interest in either what I have to say (unlikely) or were intrigued by the poorly photoshopped image of Arthur’s editors (likely). 

For those of you who have somehow been influenced by falsities, Arthur is in fact a super serious newspaper that conducts super serious investigations. For example, in the name of journalism, we posted a poll on our Instagram asking fellow Arthurians if they like boygenius. It may come as no surprise that 84% of our audience favours the boys, with the other 16% having pressed the wrong button, or so I shall assume. 

That being said, statistically (I am an English major btw), one out of the 32 ‘yes’ votes is bound to know of three extra tickets for purchase to the sold-out show.

The Arthur editorial team—another freaky trio—recognizes the implication of asking our readers to email us with second-hand concert tickets. However, have you considered the output of said transaction? Including, but not limited to, a shaky out-of-frame video recorded on my iPhone during “cool about it” where my voice will 100% drown out that of our beloved boys, an overpriced merch t-shirt in the wrong size, and a complimentary Bubly on the house?

I am generally the last person anyone should turn to for advice, but I speak as someone whose top artist of all time is Phoebe Bridgers, followed suit by none other than our favourite boy geniuses when I say—that’s a pretty good deal. 

After all, Phoebe, Lucy, and Julien are not all that different from your newly elected masthead—which consists of one blonde, one tall, and one otherwise unknown editor. When you really think about it, we could write “Satanist”, but could the boys write Alfred? Probably. Nonetheless! My point still stands that your favourite girlgeniuses (Arthur uses she/they pronouns) deserve to see their favourite boygeniuses! Let’s not focus on the fact that all three of us failed to get tickets in the first place, I’ve deemed that irrelevant. 

Let’s instead focus on the fact that the song “$20” off their album seems to be hitting a little too close to home here at Office 104. During which, the boys repeatedly yell out “may I please have twenty dollars?/can you please give me twenty dollars?/I know you have twenty dollars.” It seems, given past accusations, that they dedicated the song to Mr. Arthur. 

Now, pay no attention to anything I said above. Forget my aforementioned love for boygenius—I am speaking to you now not as a Pharb, but as an Editor when I say Arthur must see the boys to rectify any misunderstanding surrounding levy fees! It’s our journalistic duty to combat misinformation, you wouldn’t stop us from doing our duty, would you?

If you, or anyone you know, is willing to help with an ongoing investigation in the form of three tickets to boygenius in Toronto on June 21, please direct them to editors@trentarthur.ca.

Editor’s Note: We, the Arthur editorial team, are not actually asking readers to send us concert tickets. That would be unprofessional…unless?