Aries

The Back Row of ENW 117. “Subtlety” is not a word in your vocabulary, as exemplified by the fact that everyone in your 8:00 PM lecture knows exactly what you’re doing back there, they’re all just pretending they don’t because they wish they didn’t.

While you live in your own world to the point of forgetting other people can see you, even if they could it’s not as if you would care. Actually, come to think of it, you might invite them to join in.

Taurus

The Library of Truth at Sadleir House. “Practicality” is what this particular spot screams. Hell, being the prepper you are you might have even booked it ahead of time. While having to sign in on a tablet before sexy time probably does a lot to temper the heat of the moment, growing up is all about concessions, and of all the compromises you could make scheduling sex is by no means the worst.

People probably say that you have an “old soul.” Maybe that’s why your idea of a “public hookup spot” has a lock on the door. Either way, it’s not our place to judge. If anything we should commend you for keeping up the Peter Robinson College spirit.

Gemini

Gzowski College Room 669. By virtue of nominative determinism, you figured that whoever picked this room is going to be fucking. Maybe that person doesn’t happen to be you, though you’ve found yourself here regardless. Perhaps you are that easy to impress, or maybe you’re just steadfast in your commitment to the bit. 

Still, as hookup spots go, this one’s nothing to write to us about. Yeah, it may have a funny room number, but does that really change the fact you’re probably bonking a member of the rowing team? 

In any case, just remember to get checked for syphilis afterwards.

Cancer

The Couch in the Back Corner of the Trend. You spend ninety percent of your time on campus at Traill, so it makes sense that this is your go-to spot.

The Trend is, after all, your home away from home, and what is more homey than doing the nasty on a battered leather couch? What’s better than sinking six inches deep into this overly-cushy sofa while also sinking six inches deep into the [arms] of another? While you’re at it you can enjoy a lukewarm cup of coffee and the lovely views of the concrete walls of the Amphitheatre.

It isn’t really exhibitionism, you reason, since you and all of five people hang out with the Trend (and if somebody agreed to sleep with you, it is probably one of them). It’s not as if you have to worry about getting caught, anyway; the Trend closes at 8:00 PM.

Leo

In the Otonabee River. While others might call this decision “stupid,” you prefer to think of it as “bold,” “brave,” or perhaps even “inspired.” Who among us, after all, has not been lounging on the library steps after a sunny afternoon swim and thought “we could do this again later, but with less clothes”?

It takes a strong will, however, to act upon that impulse, and it turns out you’re exactly the one up to the task. Blue-green algae be damned, you’re determined to get wet in more ways than one.

Just mind the current, and don’t forget—water alone is not sufficient replacement for lube.

Virgo

Bata Library Private Study Booths. We’ve got to hand it to you, as hookup spots go, you’ve got your shit together. After all, you had the forethought to book this secluded, intimate space well in advance.

With forethought like that it’s probably safe to bet you’re also not the type to just grab a couple free condoms from a campus bathroom and say “good enough.”

Since you are the type to hang out at the library, though, it may be the case that you aren’t getting laid all that much. If that is true, let us say, for the record, that you deserve better.

If nothing else, the world needs more responsible sluts like you.

Libra

Student Centre Gender-neutral Bathrooms. This is the textbook definition of “nobody’s first choice,” which is fitting, because you’re all about compromise. You’re accomodating to a fault—as accommodating, in fact, as the stalls of this surprisingly clean restroom facility.

That cleanliness is important, of course, because you’re unlikely to be caught dead within 300m of the bathrooms in Champlain College. You need your public bathroom trysts to take place somewhere with few bodily fluids left from the previous occupants, and also preferably 12-inch soundproof walls. 

Since this effectively rules out doing coke and going at it in the bathroom of the Social, this is probably as close as you’re going to come to the “big night out” outside of listening to Charli XCX.

Baby steps, Libra. One day you’ll stay up past your 9:00 PM bedtime. 

Scorpio

The Pit in Lady Eaton College. Stop me if you heard this one before—you’re at the smoke shack when some 10/10 smokeshow turns up, asking to bum a dart, and five minutes later you’re shotgunning her bong rip and getting lipstick all over your face.

Small surprise then that after ten minutes of grossing all your friends out with some just-over-the-clothes antics you find yourself in The Pit scrambling to jam a chair under the door.

While we at Arthur are not ones to rain on one’s getting laid, don’t let it go to your head. While yes, this may have been the highlight of your short little life, you can stop telling us the story literally every time you get drunk. We’ve all done it in The Pit before. You’re not special. 

Sagittarius

The Drumlin. You’re not afraid to get a little down-and-dirty, and you’re pushing that conviction to its logical extreme.

There’s a small window of opportunity in which to make the most of this particular spot, and you’re not about to let it slip away. While the weather is still fleetingly in the double-digits you’ve resolved to make this neck of the (literal) woods your favourite hive of debauchery, and if the Twisted Tea cans littered about are any testimony, it’s been a success.

“Ain’t nobody died from a bit of dirt,” you say—except, of course, all those people who get botulism. Hopefully nothing that bad happens to you, though we wouldn't be surprised if you got a UTI after this particular roll in the hay.

Oh, and don’t forget to check yourself for ticks. 

Capricorn

Student Centre Quiet Study Space. Who knew Trent had dedicated quiet study spaces? You, that’s who, and if the decibel count in the rest of the student centre is anything to go off of, you might well be the only one.

At least all that din will drown out any sounds one might hear from your “cram session,” though I wouldn’t worry, since most people don’t know that there’s even a room at the end of that hallway. Those private study pods the TCSA keep talking about getting would also make a world of difference here—who doesn’t need a little oral support during exam season?

Aquarius

A Car Parked at Cleantech Commons. You’re not quite sure why so many people seem to resent you. If we were to hazard a guess, it might be because you own a car (or know someone who does). At any rate, you figure you better use it or lose it, and as such your fuck-off bright high beams and fogged-up windows have become the pox of many a person just trying to enjoy a walk by the rowing club.

Thankfully, the recently “finished” research park off Pioneer Road has provided respite from many a rambler by providing you a better place to bump uglies in the backseat. At this rate, maybe Trent should make you Cleantech Commons’ first tenant.

Pisces

Your T.A.’s Office. It could well have started out innocently enough. Maybe you were looking to make up a few marks on an assignment. Maybe you just wanted to chat about common research interests. 

No matter the circumstances, these “extracurricular activities” seem to have gotten a little out of hand, but you, for one, don’t really want them to stop.

As much as you hate the fact that everyone calls you a teacher’s pet because you are really bad at hiding the eyes you make in seminar, you do so adore the attention (and the guaranteed B minuses) it nets you.

You know it’s so wrong, but who are you to let that change you when it feels sooo right?

Ophiucus

Arthur H.Q. The black sheep of the Zodiac is also the dark horse of hookup spots—which is to say—our own office. Nothing impresses a potential partner like being self-employed, and if nothing else, this does prove you’re able to be up-front about your work/life balance.

Come to think of it, we really need to replace that couch.