Going through my friends' Instagram stories is an activity that is very near and dear to my heart. I find there is something so fascinating about the strange tidbits people decide to share for only 24 hours instead of posting it to their main feed. 

As the months come to an end, my friends begin to post March ‘dumps’ on their stories and feed. A ‘dump’ is a collection of photos from a specific time period in one’s life that may or may not serve an aesthetic purpose, but mostly serve as a more candid representation of an individual's life. It’s something silly many like to take part in, myself included, as it's a fun way of showcasing what happened and who was important in the last month of your life.

As I went to create my March dump for my Instagram story, I realized something: Other than screenshots regarding my mobile game addiction and things I might buy online, I literally had no photos to reflect the last month of my life. 

It brought about a weird sadness, and not just because I had nothing to post online.

Prior to March, I had begun to realize the dwindling number  of photos I was taking. At first it felt like I had broken free from the shackles of social media addiction; no longer spending time putting on makeup just to take too many selfies that I didn’t like anyways. Maybe I was no longer concerned with my appearance, and what people thought of me, which initially felt like such a weight off my shoulders.

But it wasn’t just selfies I stopped taking. It was everything. Landscapes, family events, my pets, my loved ones, adventures with my friends, lecture notes, sunsets. Literally everything. 

Suddenly, my social media freedom turned disheartening. Was there nothing in my life that I felt like was worth capturing? Any moments or memories I thought deserved to be immortalized? What had I even spent the last month of my life doing? 

I thought hard about it, and there were certainly moments in the last month I wish that I had decided to capture. In the moment, I thought I was living in the moment and taking everything in as a memory I wouldn’t forget. But truthfully, I miss the feeling that comes with looking back on photos as it's something a memory can’t quite replicate. Especially as time spent with my loved ones has become limited with adulthood, there are times I wish I just had a more recent photo to remind me what I’m doing all of this for.

I think the idea of having to take my phone out to capture a memory turned into a feeling of shame from feeling like I need to rely on technology to make a moment meaningful. Growing up in the midst of the rise of the cellphone and the selfie, the notion of ‘not everything deserves to have a picture taken of it’ became drilled into my brain as picking up my phone to capture the same sunset as the day before became a routine that annoyed the older generations to no end. 

But, as I looked at my sad, sad camera roll, I knew that there’s no shame in taking photos of even the most mundane of things. I spiralled thinking about how incredible the invention of the photo really was as special moments now had the chance to last forever instead of getting lost within the unreliable sievethat is memory. 

There is a thin line between taking too many photos and not taking enough. If you can’t put your phone down throughout an entire concert, then it is possible you’re taking way too many photos and unable to live comfortably in the moment, for example. 

Though, I’ve realized that not taking any photos is also a feature of not being able to live comfortably in the moment as well. Instead of enjoying myself and taking the little time it takes to take a photo, I find myself disconnected from the situation at hand, asking myself over and over again if I’ll remember this moment in the future.

I’ve learned since this revelation that urges to take photos for myself are few and far between, but when they occur it is because there is some kind of meaning in the moment I want to look back on; I should just go ahead and do it. 

I’ve also realized that this time in my life will be one of the most fleeting of them all. It won’t be long until I say something along the lines of “Wow, I can’t believe being 20 was 20 years ago.” I don’t want these experiences during this stage in my life to become lost in the void when the power to have it immortalized is right in our hands.