On March 13th, 2024, Trent’s Information Technology department announced a new measure hoping to combat the onset of Phishing scam emails going into Trent email inboxes. This new strategy, dubbed ‘Internal Junction Broadcasting Operations Linkage’ (IJBOL), aims to move Trent communications offline, through the implementation of a series of new communication services.

When asked by Arthur about the motivations behind this switch, an anonymous Trent IT department employee explained “we tried our hardest to deal with the scam problem, and saw a pretty large decrease in students falling for them, so we thought we were headed for success. Unfortunately, some higher ups at the University got scammed, and we received a very top-down direct order to shut down all Trent email addresses.”

Confidential sources within the Trent Administration have identified this “higher up” as none other than Trent University President Leo Groarke, whom they alleged accidentally installed malware onto his computer by opening a link in an email entitled “Divorced MILFs in Your Area: They Cannot WAIT to Canoe With You!”

According to Trent IT, the new IJBOL services put in place by the administration seek to make the transition offline “seamless” for all students, “just like when Gmail was discontinued for Trent emails.”

The first of these replacement services will be communication through messenger pigeons, obtained through a partnership with Medieval Times Toronto. A Trent IT employee told Arthur that Medieval Times Toronto is “the best in the messenger pigeon game” and that they even issue pigeons to defense contractor Lockheed Martin, as a more discrete alternative to their Reaper combat drones. 

Trent is currently taking on the construction of a new dovecot to keep its stock of messenger pigeons, on the site of Cleantech Commons. 

“We’ve got more than 85 acres of possibility, the possibilities are up in the sky, too!” proclaimed a member of Trent’s administration.

Construction workers at Cleantech Commons explained that a pilot project with 20 pigeons had already begun on the site. They noted that they now had over 80 pigeons, as the birds were reproducing at a rapid pace.

This seemed to inconvenience the construction project, as workers observed, “they mate in the sky, in the trees, in our cranes, in our forklifts, it’s honestly kind of scary.” “This isn’t even their mating season,” they added, “must be something about this place.”

Another means of communication offered to students will be smoke signals, by way of new smoke signaling stations, now under construction around campus. A source in the Trent Administration noted “some have said this could be counter-productive to the University’s climate agenda, so we’re now looking at creating smoke by burning trash gathered on campus, so that less of it goes to landfills. It’s a win–win!”

These smoke signaling stations will be situated on Catherine Parr Traill College, Symons Campus’ DNA Building, as well as the Student Centre. When asked about the lack of signaling stations on Trent’s Durham campus, a member of the Administration exclaimed “oh fuck, we totally forgot about that. Do we still have a campus at Durham? [To Arthur] Do you know?” 

Arthur also spoke to Trent Central Student Association (TCSA)’s Democratically Unilaterally Appointed Interim President, who declined to be named on record, about the inclusion of a smoke signaling station in the Student Centre, bastion of the TCSA. Their Right Honourable Supreme Worship the President expressed thrill at this new project, which she described as “an exciting new opportunity to become BFFs with Trent’s Administration.”

The Association’s next HRT (Haircut Replacement Therapy) Fair will reveal an exclusive service to the Student Centre smoke signaling station: rainbow glitter smoke. “Microplastics aren’t our favorite thing, but we’re here to show that we proudly stand beside the Queer people of Trent. Queer existence is resistance!” Mx. President Un-elect exclaimed, holding up a copy of Madeline Miller’s The Song of Achilles.

The IJBOL services program will offer each student their own megaphone, as a means of “medium-distance communication.” These megaphones, mass-purchased by the Administration from online vendor Temu, will be made available for free to all students, upon signing an agreement not to use them indoors or towards any “political or otherwise disorderly means.”

Upon finding the page for these megaphones on the Temu website, cunning journalists at Arthur observed that they were programmed with speech recognition, in order to instantly shut off as soon as “unrest indicating keywords” were spoken through them. These keywords include “woman”, “gay”, “racism”, “newspaper”, and “politics”, as well as famous protest song lyrics, such as that of ‘The Internationale’ and Doja Cat’s cover of Hole’s ‘Celebrity Skin’.

Finally, Trent Foodservices told Arthur that it would be offering up to 20 meters of free string with each yogurt cup purchased by students, to allow for students to better communicate with each other using the yogurt cup-string method.

Later, a source within Foodservices rectified that this offer would actually only be available to students purchasing yogurt cups through Foodservices’ BOOST app, in order to drive up use of the largely unpopular contactless purchasing service.

In order to engage students with the new IJBOL program, Trent IT partnered with Trent Communications on a large awareness campaign, mostly conducted over social media.

Trent Communications has entitled this campaign “Retvrn with Trent.” They explained that this choice was made to engage Gen Z students: “we tried to get the Gangnam Style guy, but apparently that’s not what the kids are into these days. Then, we found this really interesting subculture of kids talking about how great the Roman Empire was, and we thought that we could use that to brand the new changes to students!”

Trent IT has also collaborated with the Trent Anarcho-Primitivist Collective, who promised to boost the ad campaign using their “highly successful Reddit account.”

The graphics created for the "Retvrn with Trent" campaign evoke the ‘vaporwave’ style of the 2000s, adorned with images of statues of nude men (pictured below). Upon being presented with the ad campaign, members of Trent IT commented “I think they look a little gay, but whatever makes the students happy.”

Dr. Cathy Bruce, set to replace Leo Groarke as Trent University President as of July 1st, 2024 declined to comment on the change in Trent’s communication systems, citing “[not having] time for this bullshit.”